‘Sponge Animals’ was the name the world’s media gave the sponge animals saga that occured at San Martin County Zoo in early 2001.

Zoo Keeper Bilky Dunn had placed an order with an online zoo animal store, based in Nigeria. Ogimono Janaku, the CEO of the company, proudly appeared on the site’s welcoming pages. Further browsing revealed a vast variety of animals available to order, with Janaku stating that all animals are “cort to orda” and that, on occasion, even he would “hav an involvment in capcha”.

To Bilky Dunn and his staff, the site looked like a good deal, with rarities such as Asiatic Lions going for only $500 US and a rare breed of Dodo costing just $1000.

The zoo handed over around $100′000 for the site’s special ‘Golden Ark’ package and sat back, feeling incredibly pleased with themselves.

With all the rare breeds and hard to come by animals in their zoo, the poor Idaho county town of San Martin would be able to transform the lives of its citizens, by pulling a tourism crowd over 5000% bigger than its present state. Morale in town grew.

The zoo waited for a month – the site stated a maximum delivery time of 28 days – nothing came.

After numerous emails from the company’s many Nigerian staff, the majority of which thanked them for their order and for “sending me munny”, a small packet finally arrived, no bigger than a small suitcase. Inside it were 100 sponge animals, roughly 8cm high, 3cm thick. All were yellow.

“SPONGE ANIMALS???????” said the zoo’s next email, to which the ‘3rd sectary to the 4th manger’ Djubey Bombano replied “YES!”

A later email from the company asked “WOT DID U XPECT 4 $100′000?”

The local media were as distraught as the zoo at their loss, but surrounding rival town’s locals, the wider US media and the world media found San Martin’s misfortune hilarious.

Headlines of “Zoo Washed Out by Sponge Animals” to “Nigerians Clean Up San Martin” to “Wiped Right Out” to “Taken to the Cleaners and Given a Sponge” swept across the globe. The media could not get enough.

Nigeria, encouraged by their score, opened thousands more similar businesses, all with the primary aim of ripping off dense Americans for as much money as they could. Known today as scammers, they mostly operate online, although some have been known to operate in person from time to time.

In 2003, the UK sent a £2.5million aid package to the derelict remains of San Martin and its people, after the US President ignored the County’s plight. Within the aid package were 1000 individually wrapped washing sponges, each in the shaped like an animal.

The Prime Minister later apologised for the tasteless contents of the package and for any offence that may have been caused by the gesture, stating that all aid packages contain “standard contents”.

Smoking phlegm was first popularised in Manchester, in the United Kingdom, in the wild 1980s.

People were already hooked on chewing phlegm, a habit known to be disastrous for one’s health, so it was only a natural progression (given what happened with tobacco) that people took to smoking phlegm.

An act that carries absolutely no delirium, buzz or high, smoking phlegm is deemed acceptable for just one thing: driving. In fact, phlegm smoking numbers rose after people were told in a televised anti-drink driving advertisement that it was “OK for you to smoke phlegm and drive”.

It is believed that smoking phlegm was responsible for several hundred Mancunian fatalities throughout the 1980s, but it was receiving the blame for a shift in the local accent and dialects that finally pushed the majority to quit.

Nowadays only a few phlegm smokers exist amongst the city’s homeless community. They are said to feed their habit by scraping up the dried coughings and throat chunks of passing cigarette smokers. They are known as smoker’s phlegm smokers.

Governments employ many tools and apparatus to ensure their populations remain under strict control. One method in which they do this is by restricting the evolution of one of earth’s most man-made AND organic creations: language.

Imagine if language were to be set free, beyond the control of newspapers, televisions, dictionaries and the internet? All hell could break lose. And, what’s more, the government would be helpless as it wouldn’t understand what everyone was saying.

That’s where Slang Pillocks come in. Officially known as Language Spies, Slang Pillocks are responsible for reporting back to the government any changes in language they stumble across on the streets. They are always listening.

That weird guy standing extra close to you and your kids in the supermarket queue: he’s a Slang Pillock. The local nutter who likes to wave at cars: a Slang Pillock. That smelly, boozed up guy on the bus – you guessed it – a Slang Pillock. So be careful what you say.

Slang Pillocks were top secret up until 1997 when a young recruit, Rodney Simpson, was murdered in a bizarre incident of road rage. Many colleagues believe he showed true inexperience when he climbed into the back seat of gang leader Trevor Boxer’s car and attempted to sit there, listening in.