Many believe ‘Vent Football’ to be the least successful game in the history of the earth.
For six long years at the start of last century, an estimated hundred thousand school children were miserably dragged through their sorry paces as PE teachers around the globe attempted to popularise the sporting equivalent of a dead horse.
Headroom in the game, for a start, was nothing short of ridiculous. As small as some school freshman usually are (I once saw one able to fit inside his own rucksack!), no amount of compression was ever going to make them a good vent football player.
Then came the issue of access, which any former vent football player will tell you, is nothing like the movies!
Fresh air was usually in abundance, which did aid respiration throughout the game, but it was not enough for the health and safety officers who finally shut the door on the game when they discovered a match being played in their own offices – right above their very heads!
Nowadays, vent football has been swept so far under the carpets, even the most thoroughly researched and balanced history books make no mention of the sport. But it did exist…
The primary function of Varnum is as a lubricant. It is also believed to carry other benefits for the skin, but its lubricative properties remain at the forefront of public fondness for Varnum.
In 1947, school bus driver Derek Bridgeham made Varnum headlines when he successfully restored life to the seized engine of a school bus, using only a pot of Varnum. The PR machine went wild, catapulting the product into the markets of 17 other countries. Derek went on to host popular Saturday night show: “Saturday Night”.
Nowadays, Varnum survives mainly on the mother and baby market, though its plethora of anal-sex related gags helps drive extra sales through the stag-do market.
Varied Array is a spectacular natural phenomenon seen in the sky directly above the earth’s equator.
Believed to be a culmination of the Northern and Southern Lights, Varied Array occurs only on January 13th, February 29th, March 27th, April 1st and October 20th each year. Some believe it to resemble an image of American comedian Steve Martin.
Many early equatorial civilsations believed that Varied Array was just a portal into the heavens. In the 18th century, Varied Array was used for guidance on trans-atlantic shipping routes. This resulted in extremely heavy traffic on those five nights.
Vallicelli was a famous 12th century composer, who also lent his name to a popular shape of pasta, as well as a musical instrument.
Born in Cookham, near Maidenhead, England, John Vallicelli was a disease-stricken and runt-like young man. After losing his family in a walking accident at the age of 12, Vallicelli set about smartening up his life.
In a Hollywood-style montage, Vallicelli cut his hair, gained around 10kg of muscle, smashed up the local bullies and rid himself of dyslexia, in just three minutes. It did not take Vallicelli much more time for him to discover his amazing musical and cooking abilities.
Much of Vallicelli’s work was initially lost, but was found lurking in a Romanian scholar’s office sometime in 1985. She set about reworking the sounds to suit the modern day and the legacy of the English composer was born overnight.
Vallicelli’s most notable works include ‘Civetta! Civetta!’, ‘Miei famiglia‘ and ‘Il bullo’.