Fart O Tron

Fart O Tron was a 1960s gadget designed to mask entirely the existence of flatulence in female humans.

Unlike the Fart O Matic, which existed to amplify male human farts in the name of humour, the Fart O Tron worked to hide the individual elements that make up farts.

Dr. Robert Skinkiss was the mastermind behind the product. Skinkiss claims that it was 1958 when he realised the problem with farting was actually the work of two problems combined.

While balanced precariously on his roof one summer’s afternoon, Skinkiss slipped and fell. Managing to snatch hold of the guttering at the last minute, the educated gentleman said a whole heap of thoughts just whizzed through his mind – like a kaleidoscope on caffeine.

Of those thoughts, the two that stuck were related to farting. Dr. Skinkiss had recognised that farts could be broken into exactly two, equally embarrassing portions: The noise and the smell.

He realised that if he could invent something, anything, that would eliminate both the smell and the noise of the fart simultaneously, he would be a winning inventor. What’s more, he would be rich, not to mention ‘The man’.

The Fart O Tron was of extremely simple, but elegant design. Shaped like a modern-day air freshener can, the Fart O Tron had an extremely loud air-horn on the end. The premise was a simple one: Eradicate all sound for the duration of the fart, then eradicate all odour for the duration of the resultant stench.

Gone were the days of horrible farting women. Women were free to eat what they chose. And the myth that “girls don’t fart” was truly underway.

Ladies began air-horning their way through the sixties. Fart O Tron was the best thing since sliced bread came on the market and stopped people from accidentally slicing their fingers off all the time. They were like miniskirts: no woman was seen without one.

Fart O Tron’s demise occurred at the end of the decade. Literally at the end. It was new year’s eve 1969 and a man named Ron Blackman was getting ready to go out with his partner Jane.

As Jane walked down the stairs, the urge to fart hit her. As her swinging sixties street training had taught her, she deployed her Fart O Tron without the action even requiring her concious thought. Sounding its trademark air-horn sound and releasing a puff of fresh lavender into the atmosphere, Jane continued her descent.

“What the fuck was that?!” said a startled Ron, glaring up the stairs at her in the manner of wolf who has just been subjected to 12 hours of non-stop audio-bondage in an aviary. “What, darling?” said a naive Jane. “The fucken steamship sounding as you came down the stairs!” Ron replied, a bit baffled.

Jane hadn’t realised, but despite nine months together, that was Ron’s first experience of the Fart O Tron. In fact, since Ron was from the Orkney Isles, on the remote northern tip of Scotland, he had never experienced a Fart O Tron before. And Jane hadn’t realised this.

News of their break up soon hit the papers, the media finding the Fart O Tron an easy scapegoat. People soon started consciously hearing the air-horn sound and immediately recognising what it meant. Using a Fart O Tron soon became more taboo than just a silent, foul gassing of one’s peers. Indeed, if reports in some papers were to be believed, the Fart O Tron was responsible for both communism and immigration.

One British newspaper even blamed it for the events of “Black Wednesday” on September 16, 1992.

Since Fart O Trons were disposable, only a few examples remain. One working relic still survives in the technology gallery at The Science Museum in London.

Have you ever used a Fart O Tron? What was the experience like? Have you, or anyone you know, been adversely affected by a Fart O Tron? Tell us your story.