‘The Munter’, also known as Christopher Henry Davies, has consistently been voted ‘History’s Ugliest Man’, since the year 676AD. Taking the title just six years after the award’s conception, images of Christopher have continually been judged by a secret panel of teenage girls to be the single most repulsive human face to ever have been seen on Earth.

Recent years have proved challenging for ‘The Munter’, as competition from the likes of Ted Danson, Gary Busey, Steve Tyler and, more recently, Amy Winehouse has swayed some of the judges’ attentions, but the title has remained safely in Davies’ hands.

The annual prize (some say compensation) of ten gold coins, has continued its equal division amongst Davies’ descendants, making some of them incredibly, and unfairly, rich. This has upset a small minority of taxpayers, who are mathematically illusioned into believing that their entire annual contribution is blown entirely on the prize.

Governments employ many tools and apparatus to ensure their populations remain under strict control. One method in which they do this is by restricting the evolution of one of earth’s most man-made AND organic creations: language.

Imagine if language were to be set free, beyond the control of newspapers, televisions, dictionaries and the internet? All hell could break lose. And, what’s more, the government would be helpless as it wouldn’t understand what everyone was saying.

That’s where Slang Pillocks come in. Officially known as Language Spies, Slang Pillocks are responsible for reporting back to the government any changes in language they stumble across on the streets. They are always listening.

That weird guy standing extra close to you and your kids in the supermarket queue: he’s a Slang Pillock. The local nutter who likes to wave at cars: a Slang Pillock. That smelly, boozed up guy on the bus – you guessed it – a Slang Pillock. So be careful what you say.

Slang Pillocks were top secret up until 1997 when a young recruit, Rodney Simpson, was murdered in a bizarre incident of road rage. Many colleagues believe he showed true inexperience when he climbed into the back seat of gang leader Trevor Boxer’s car and attempted to sit there, listening in.

The medicinal values of fudge have been known since around 313BC. A 2Kg dose has the abilities to wipe out three common colds, taking around five minutes to do so. 1.25Kg of ginger fudge can clear up a skin rash, taking only 35 minutes to miraculously do so. If you down 0.5Kg of chocolate coated fudge, you will find those aching joints go away, in seconds, for life.

The idea of Rescue Fudge came about after Dr. Louis Campbell added some fudge to his first aid kit. While out on a trek that week, he stumbled across a fellow trekker, who had gotten lost, overshot his path, and landed in a pool of cold, slightly acidic water. He had been there for half an hour.

Dr. Campbell offered the traveller some of his fudge, an unknown concoction, which cleared the traveller of the cold he had caught, soothed his aching joints and cleared up the rash caused by the pH of the water.

Nowadays, ambulance staff, coastguards, cliff rescue teams and firefighters all carry a portion of Rescue Fudge, in case of emergency.

A quarrel argument is an argument resulting from a quarrel that occured just prior to the argument.

A scientific study carried out across 100 male-female partnerships in 1963, found that 100% of quarrel arguments occur between male and females, with no specific correlation as to who kicks off the initial quarrel, who starts the resulting quarrel argument and, most importantly, who wins.

Of all the world’s quarrel arguments, the most dangerous is one occuring on a building site. It is recommended that building site quarrel arguments are avoided at all costs.

Sir Fart a Lot was the name of a humorous character in the popular children’s cartoon series. “Arthur: & The Nights of the Ring Of Fire”

Arthur: & The Knights of the Ring Of Fire aired on Australian television from Thursday April 11th 1996 (weekly) but was cut short after just 21 of it’s 46 planned episodes.

After an investigation by the Australian Profanity Watchdog Alliance (APWA), the show was deemed offensive due to its continuous references to bowel movements.

In the first episode Sir Fart a Lot was stuck over a river with the inability to swim due to water being infested with sharks.

Using wood gathered from the surrounding forest he constructed a small vessel and used his own form of wind power to propel to the other side.

The creators of the TV series, Dennis and Donny Goldblum, insisted that the show had been made crass by the production company and that their original plans did not even include the Fart a Lot character.

The biggest enemy of The Knights of the Ring Of Fire was a brown mud like creature that rose from pipes in the ground. It was never specified what the creature was composed off but many believe this was the inspiration for the character known as the “Sh*t” Demon” in Kevin Smith’s movie ‘Dogma’.

Never officially released on DVD, the series has become a cult classic with fans paying way over asking price for bootlegged copies of all 46 episodes.

It’s pretty normal to experience some moistening of the eyes but if you are worried that you have damp eyes then you may want to investigate a little more to try and find out what is causing such a phenomena.

Disclaimer: We are not medical professionals and this is only our personal opinion. Therefore we cannot be held responsible for your actions even if based on our advice!

The first step is to test and see if your eye(s) are in face damp or just moist. Luckily this test is very easy.

1. Blink your eyes rapidly 7 times.
2. If nothing happens then it is likely that your eyes are just in the moist category and you have no need to worry.
2. If a droplet of water excretes from the corner of your eye closest to the top of your nose then you may have damp eyes.
3. Blink another 20 times and the 2 more times for every year of your total time on this Earth. For example, if you are 37 you will need to rapidly blink for 20 blinks, then an additional 74 times.
4. Take a small paper towel, lay it flat on a stable surface and carefully lean your face over it. Using your index and little finger clamped together grab your eyelashes one by one and squeeze.
5. If water droplets are wrung out from your eyelashes then you do indeed have damp eyes. If not then you do not.

So I have damp eyes, what next?

Make sure you have not been crying within the last 32 minutes. If you have not then it’s time to do some drying. This will require donning your running shoes and taking to the hills. It’s important that your run for at least 1068meteres both and and down hills keeping your eyes open for as long as comfortably possible during the cure.

That should do it… Your eyes are likely to return to moist status.

If this does not cure them then it is possibly that you are suffering from another condition and it is advised that you visit your doctor.

In early 1967 Ohio unveiled their new state mascot “Ohio Crank”.

Ohio Crank featured all the hall marks of a regular crank with an additional friendly smile and kid friendly attitude. Said by the designer, Paul Wells, to represent the tough working times of the Ohio workers of years past the Crank image was actually rejected by the local press so didn’t get much mainstream attention. In fact this also marked the first time that an Ohio newspaper had used an established profanity on it’s front page when the Ohio Green Hills Press ran with the headline “New State Mascot, What A Crock Of Sh*t”.

The weird thing about Ohio Crank is that it was never officially shelved. This means that even until today “Ohio Crank” is still the official state mascot even though all images and record of him are belived to have been destroyed.

It’s about time for an Ohio Crank revival, don’t you think?

Zoe Harlford is the alternate name for London Based artist John Kent. In 2003 he decided to take on a more controversial moniker… thus choosing the name of a female.

John had some minor success with subjective works such as “Strawberry Fields” which depicted a field of plants growing oranges and his seminal 3d masterpiece “None of The Above” which featured a papier mache model of a goat with a smaller pig, sheep and tortoise suspended above it on fishing wire.

He is known to pop up at his own shows and scare people by shouting:

“Bet you didn’t think I was the Artist, How could I be called ZOE!! Well I have news for you…. I AM!”

Say the words “Pop Goes The Forth” to any 90+ year old man and he will likely give you a wry smile and start a long and grueling story that starts inevitably with the magical words….. When I was a boy….

Pop Goes The Forth was a popular pre first world war game that basically involved young boys torturing each other. A gang of youths would pick a poor victim and wrestle him to the ground and proceed to chant “Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop” until they heated up into a frenzy. Then the leader of the pack would proceed to pull each limb of the pinned boy in an attempt to pop the joints. This would carry on until the fourth joint was cracked at which point the gang would shout in unison….

POP GOES THE FOURTH!

Then everyone would scatter in different directions leaving the victim to gather his stuff and get over the torture.

The game became so popular that In 1902  the committee for Salem Schools and Recreation in Massachusetts, USA petitioned for the game to be put into the physical education curriculum in New England schools. Believed by many adults to be a great way to toughen up a nancy boy, 38 other states followed the move and it was part of the curriculum of many years to come.

The game was banned finally in June 1913. A 9 year old victim named John Orvis Pastel had come home from his Wisconsin school with a broken neck, after a gang of youths had attempted a fith pop on his head. The schools principle had accused him of overreacting and he had to hold his head straight for the entire day. That evening Mrs Pastel marched 45 mothers to the town hall and sparked a media frenzy causing thousands of worried mothers to take their aprons and rolling pins to the streets. The ban on the game nationwide was placed within days.

Nautical boating is a type of boating that involves boats or ships and sailors or seamen. Unlike the simpler, less professional ‘boating’, nautical boating boasts the use of water as a supporting compound for the boat, thus allowing the boat to cruise smoothly from one place to another, as a form of transport.

The use of boats and water together in this way was discovered around 400BC and totally revolutionised the way people used boats. Indeed, boats had been around for thousands of years beforehand, but their lack of wheels, meant they were viewed as pointless and without purpose. The rich would sometimes have them on display in their gardens, an indication of the ingenious sales pitches used by boat builders of the time, but little other uses for boats could be found.

The details of the discovery are, like a lot of historical information, slightly blurred, but it is believed a drunken James Nauti discovered nautical boating, after being placed in a boat, which was subsequently placed in water and set adrift, as part of a stag do prank.