Wet Sea is a small, sleepy, but popular, fishing village on the coast of Cornwall, England. It is named so for being the place where the sea was first discovered to be wet.

Unlike history’s noted discoveries, such as those by Cook, Columbus and Crapper, the discovery that the sea is wet was swept under the carpets by the UK government. Besides the increased military threat from such a discovery, people were somewhat embarrassed that the discovery had been made by a hippy.

In 1961, a stoned Roger Finch, accidentally fell into the sea at Wet Sea. As his body slowly came round, he proclaimed: “It’s wet! The sea is wet like the tap stuff!”

This line was later translated and edited into a well known Shakespeare play, in an attempt to cover up this discovery’s year.

Vallicelli was a famous 12th century composer, who also lent his name to a popular shape of pasta, as well as a musical instrument.

Born in Cookham, near Maidenhead, England, John Vallicelli was a disease-stricken and runt-like young man. After losing his family in a walking accident at the age of 12, Vallicelli set about smartening up his life.

In a Hollywood-style montage, Vallicelli cut his hair, gained around 10kg of muscle, smashed up the local bullies and rid himself of dyslexia, in just three minutes. It did not take Vallicelli much more time for him to discover his amazing musical and cooking abilities.

Much of Vallicelli’s work was initially lost, but was found lurking in a Romanian scholar’s office sometime in 1985. She set about reworking the sounds to suit the modern day and the legacy of the English composer was born overnight.

Vallicelli’s most notable works include ‘Civetta! Civetta!’, ‘Miei famiglia‘ and ‘Il bullo’.

‘Unhinged cards’ is an entertainment industry term for stand up comics who are on the brink of insanity. Usually used by management, recent years have seen the term’s use popularised and now means almost any comedian with loose cannon tendencies.

In 2004, Mike Rolands was dubbed an unhinged card after he stayed up all night boozing with the management of a respected London comedy venue. During the session, he referred to the management as ‘greedy hypocritical sinners’ after discovering their takings for the night. He then went on what can only be descibed as a rampage, gutting the entire venue, stating that it “stank a bit funny and needed a clean!”

Later that same year, Casey Fletcher gained the title after he pulled out and displayed a penis from a window of his tour bus, resulting in the death of three older women in the coach sat adjacent in the traffic. It wasn’t even his penis.

In 2007, Laura Lyons proved that women are just as deserving of the ‘unhinged card’ badge, when she viciously attacked a male heckler from the crowd of one of her Edinburgh festival dates. After several visits to the man in hospital, the pair are now happily married and are said to enjoy a good laugh about how they met.

‘The Munter’, also known as Christopher Henry Davies, has consistently been voted ‘History’s Ugliest Man’, since the year 676AD. Taking the title just six years after the award’s conception, images of Christopher have continually been judged by a secret panel of teenage girls to be the single most repulsive human face to ever have been seen on Earth.

Recent years have proved challenging for ‘The Munter’, as competition from the likes of Ted Danson, Gary Busey, Steve Tyler and, more recently, Amy Winehouse has swayed some of the judges’ attentions, but the title has remained safely in Davies’ hands.

The annual prize (some say compensation) of ten gold coins, has continued its equal division amongst Davies’ descendants, making some of them incredibly, and unfairly, rich. This has upset a small minority of taxpayers, who are mathematically illusioned into believing that their entire annual contribution is blown entirely on the prize.

Governments employ many tools and apparatus to ensure their populations remain under strict control. One method in which they do this is by restricting the evolution of one of earth’s most man-made AND organic creations: language.

Imagine if language were to be set free, beyond the control of newspapers, televisions, dictionaries and the internet? All hell could break lose. And, what’s more, the government would be helpless as it wouldn’t understand what everyone was saying.

That’s where Slang Pillocks come in. Officially known as Language Spies, Slang Pillocks are responsible for reporting back to the government any changes in language they stumble across on the streets. They are always listening.

That weird guy standing extra close to you and your kids in the supermarket queue: he’s a Slang Pillock. The local nutter who likes to wave at cars: a Slang Pillock. That smelly, boozed up guy on the bus – you guessed it – a Slang Pillock. So be careful what you say.

Slang Pillocks were top secret up until 1997 when a young recruit, Rodney Simpson, was murdered in a bizarre incident of road rage. Many colleagues believe he showed true inexperience when he climbed into the back seat of gang leader Trevor Boxer’s car and attempted to sit there, listening in.

The medicinal values of fudge have been known since around 313BC. A 2Kg dose has the abilities to wipe out three common colds, taking around five minutes to do so. 1.25Kg of ginger fudge can clear up a skin rash, taking only 35 minutes to miraculously do so. If you down 0.5Kg of chocolate coated fudge, you will find those aching joints go away, in seconds, for life.

The idea of Rescue Fudge came about after Dr. Louis Campbell added some fudge to his first aid kit. While out on a trek that week, he stumbled across a fellow trekker, who had gotten lost, overshot his path, and landed in a pool of cold, slightly acidic water. He had been there for half an hour.

Dr. Campbell offered the traveller some of his fudge, an unknown concoction, which cleared the traveller of the cold he had caught, soothed his aching joints and cleared up the rash caused by the pH of the water.

Nowadays, ambulance staff, coastguards, cliff rescue teams and firefighters all carry a portion of Rescue Fudge, in case of emergency.

A quarrel argument is an argument resulting from a quarrel that occured just prior to the argument.

A scientific study carried out across 100 male-female partnerships in 1963, found that 100% of quarrel arguments occur between male and females, with no specific correlation as to who kicks off the initial quarrel, who starts the resulting quarrel argument and, most importantly, who wins.

Of all the world’s quarrel arguments, the most dangerous is one occuring on a building site. It is recommended that building site quarrel arguments are avoided at all costs.

Sir Fart a Lot was the name of a humorous character in the popular children’s cartoon series. “Arthur: & The Nights of the Ring Of Fire”

Arthur: & The Knights of the Ring Of Fire aired on Australian television from Thursday April 11th 1996 (weekly) but was cut short after just 21 of it’s 46 planned episodes.

After an investigation by the Australian Profanity Watchdog Alliance (APWA), the show was deemed offensive due to its continuous references to bowel movements.

In the first episode Sir Fart a Lot was stuck over a river with the inability to swim due to water being infested with sharks.

Using wood gathered from the surrounding forest he constructed a small vessel and used his own form of wind power to propel to the other side.

The creators of the TV series, Dennis and Donny Goldblum, insisted that the show had been made crass by the production company and that their original plans did not even include the Fart a Lot character.

The biggest enemy of The Knights of the Ring Of Fire was a brown mud like creature that rose from pipes in the ground. It was never specified what the creature was composed off but many believe this was the inspiration for the character known as the “Sh*t” Demon” in Kevin Smith’s movie ‘Dogma’.

Never officially released on DVD, the series has become a cult classic with fans paying way over asking price for bootlegged copies of all 46 episodes.

It’s pretty normal to experience some moistening of the eyes but if you are worried that you have damp eyes then you may want to investigate a little more to try and find out what is causing such a phenomena.

Disclaimer: We are not medical professionals and this is only our personal opinion. Therefore we cannot be held responsible for your actions even if based on our advice!

The first step is to test and see if your eye(s) are in face damp or just moist. Luckily this test is very easy.

1. Blink your eyes rapidly 7 times.
2. If nothing happens then it is likely that your eyes are just in the moist category and you have no need to worry.
2. If a droplet of water excretes from the corner of your eye closest to the top of your nose then you may have damp eyes.
3. Blink another 20 times and the 2 more times for every year of your total time on this Earth. For example, if you are 37 you will need to rapidly blink for 20 blinks, then an additional 74 times.
4. Take a small paper towel, lay it flat on a stable surface and carefully lean your face over it. Using your index and little finger clamped together grab your eyelashes one by one and squeeze.
5. If water droplets are wrung out from your eyelashes then you do indeed have damp eyes. If not then you do not.

So I have damp eyes, what next?

Make sure you have not been crying within the last 32 minutes. If you have not then it’s time to do some drying. This will require donning your running shoes and taking to the hills. It’s important that your run for at least 1068meteres both and and down hills keeping your eyes open for as long as comfortably possible during the cure.

That should do it… Your eyes are likely to return to moist status.

If this does not cure them then it is possibly that you are suffering from another condition and it is advised that you visit your doctor.

In early 1967 Ohio unveiled their new state mascot “Ohio Crank”.

Ohio Crank featured all the hall marks of a regular crank with an additional friendly smile and kid friendly attitude. Said by the designer, Paul Wells, to represent the tough working times of the Ohio workers of years past the Crank image was actually rejected by the local press so didn’t get much mainstream attention. In fact this also marked the first time that an Ohio newspaper had used an established profanity on it’s front page when the Ohio Green Hills Press ran with the headline “New State Mascot, What A Crock Of Sh*t”.

The weird thing about Ohio Crank is that it was never officially shelved. This means that even until today “Ohio Crank” is still the official state mascot even though all images and record of him are belived to have been destroyed.

It’s about time for an Ohio Crank revival, don’t you think?