The concept of Offset Patio Umbrellas has been around for a very long time. The concept is simple but the technology used to control the device is even more amazing.
So the concept…. An Offset Patio Umbrella is opened by way of a lever or button and then the inner workings of this marvelous machine use particle physics to displace the patio and move grass into place. Thus solving the problem of having a small garden space in crowded urban areas.
The conception of this wonderful device was by a man of little stature who lived in a Kenyan Tribe. After Umba Umba Umba (His stagename) was brought over to mainlain Spain in 1937, to perform in circus side shows, he learned Spanish and was able to put his concept into realization. His original concept used a putrid mix of blessed animal guts to conjure a displacement. A man standing on solid Earth could suddenly be hiding in thick grass. This was intended to aid hunting. Of course the idea was laughed off and mostly forgotten, until a US Army General (name cannot be sourced) was believed to have found it whilst researching his hobby of European folklore. Intrigued by the idea and recently fresh of reading Stephen Hawkin’s “A Brief History of Time” the general believed the project was simply conceived a few years ahead of its time. He took it to his Superior’s and weeks later the Offset Patio Umbrella (Code Name, Project Offset) began.
Project Offset was quickly changed and the Military wanted to use the technology to displace the ground from underneath enemy solidiers, replacing it with quicksand, or lava.
Project Offset was then publicly returned to it’s original idea and is believed to still be in development. It is said that it will be used to give soldiers in harsh climates the chance to relax on good wholesome American lawns. One side effect of the technology is that in order for an area to be filled with lush green grass, and area of lush green grass must be filled with the patio or solid ground. Many conspiracy theorists believe that their dry lawns are victims of Project Offset.
As with most military technology it is unlikely that a marketable version of this device will be around for at least 30 years. In the mean time a much simpler product bearing the same name “Offset Patio Umbrellas” have become available on the market, so it’s likely a new name will need to be found.